


The Five Times Sonny Carisi Got A Boner (And The One Time He Finally Understood Why)

by SJWrites



Series: Drowning Lessons [2]
Category: Gay - Fandom, Law & Order, Law & Order: SVU, Queer - Fandom, Sonny Carisi - Fandom, painful - Fandom
Genre: Bisexual Sonny Carisi, Boners, But Sonny realizes that he's more gay than he thought he was, Drinking, I am so sorry Dominick, I hate myself, Internalized Homophobia, M/M, MY FAVE, NSFW themes, Other, Pining, Poor Sonny, Sexual Assult, Slow Burn, Sonny Pines, Sonny gets a fuckton of boners, Sonny gets attacked, They don't get together, also, even tho he's bi, gay pining, it's literally six boners in one fic, smol cannoli, so have fun with that, so many boners
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-05-24
Updated: 2016-05-26
Packaged: 2018-06-09 13:09:23
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, No Archive Warnings Apply, Rape/Non-Con
Chapters: 3
Words: 4,908
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6908446
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/SJWrites/pseuds/SJWrites
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Sonny's been having weird dreams and thoughts lately.</p><p>Especially pertaining to Detective Lamb.</p><p>Rated explicit for NSFW themes.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. I

I

He was a breath away and Sonny could feel his body on his, moving to the beat. He could see the way Sawyer was looking at him, licking his lips and swaying his hips and Sonny wanted him. Wanted to kiss him, devour him, take him back to Sonny’s apartment and stake claim.

The mere thought was enough to get Sonny hard.

Suddenly Sawyer’s hands were on his shoulders and he was kissing Sonny’s neck, groaning the elder’s name over and over and over as he pressed Sawyer to the stall wall in the bathroom, their jeans barely past their buttocks and everything was warm and rushed and sweaty and Sonny must have slipped because his back collided with the floor and he was gasping, wrapped in a blanket, looking at the ceiling.

“What?” He asked out loud, dumbfounded by the boner he was sporting and the dream that was fading from his mind. “What was that?” And Sonny didn’t know. His body was covered with sweat and he could clearly see Sawyer’s face in his head, flushed, tossed back and he could feel his length in his hand and-

Sonny stood and tried to untangle his sweaty body from the sheet, groaning when they peeled off and left his skin moistened with shame. He was going to have to shower and face Sawyer and then he was going to have to remember how Sawyer’s voice sounded; so absolutely wrecked and wanton it made Sonny want more-

He slammed his hand against the wall of his shower and let the water run over him. He wasn’t going to beat it to his partner- never mind his very straight partner. But what was a guy to do? The dream was still fresh in his mind and every nerve ending in Sonny’s body was alive and screaming for it.

For the first time in his life, Sonny Carisi was ashamed of his boner, and ashamed to take care of it. But he did anyways, getting himself off with a tight grip on himself. He groaned, the sound echoing off of the tiled bathroom walls that surrounded him. When he came, he sagged against the shower stall, head tossed back, the stream of water from his showerhead cleaning him off. The shame rushed through him next and he sighed, grabbing his shampoo to try and wash some of the shame away.

In his mind, it was bad enough that he was lusting after a man- let alone a straight man. How would Sawyer feel if he could see Sonny in his shower, with his head tossed back? Sonny knows how he would feel seeing Sawyer in that situation.

Probably just as shameful.

When he dried off and put his boxers on, he leaned on his bathroom counter and tried to look at himself in the mirror, but he couldn't. Sonny resisted the urge to punch his reflection and instead grabbed his hair gel and left to his bedroom to get dressed, to try and shake the thought of Sawyer from his mind.

Sonny had always known he was bisexual, but he had always almost leaned toward women. Besides, he wasn’t sure where the dream even came from or why he was still thinking about it, buttoning up his vest and slicking his hair back. Really, he should just nut up and get over the fact that he had a sex dream about a coworker.

Which is easier said than done.

Throughout his subway ride Sonny was standing with his arm above his head, swaying as the train shoots down the tube and all he could see was the kid, barely sixteen, who looked exactly like Sawyer but with a broader jaw and slimmer hips. The last thought swung Sonny’s mind back to his dream and he shook his head, wondering if jumping out of a moving subway car will kill him or merely maim him.

His mind drifts the the video he saw online- the one Rollins sent him nearly a month prior- with the man doing exactly what Sonny wanted to do. The audio played in his head (Oh! Somebody, he needs some milk!) and he laughed, looking over his shoulder to avoid making eye contact with Teenager Sawyer. The boy seemed to be interested in him though, and made his way through the shaking car to address him.

“Detective Carisi?” And Sonny’s head turned so violently that he could hear the cracks in it and cringed, “Do you remember me?” Like good gentlemen, they shook hands.

“Apologies, but I don’t.” The teenager smirked.

“I’m Sawyer’s little brother. Thomas. Thomas Lamb.” And Sonny does remember the teenager, barely sixteen years old, from when he brought lunch for the whole squad. He takes Thomas into a hug, then, grinning at him like they were family.

“Right, yeah! Of course!” He cheered, “No, okay, I remember you now. That pasta you brought was delicious.” Thomas laughed, throwing his head back in the same way that Sawyer did. Sonny knew that it must run in the family, maybe an inherited trait from the brother’s father.

“So Sawyer was right. He said you’d remember me by my food. I’m bringing pancakes for you guys today.” The kid, and he is a kid to Sonny, gestures to his bag where a tupperware container is peeking out.

The dream is out of the detective's head in a mere second, ready to get to work and eat Sawyer’s brother’s amazing, heavenly cooking. In fact, he doesn’t think about the dream again until Sawyer volunteers to stay over with Sonny, when they’re alone in the precinct together and when Sawyer reveals some of his personal life to his friend.


	2. II

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Sonny and Sawyer go out for drinks.
> 
> Something goes horribly wrong toward the end.

II

Suddenly Sonny flushed and he cursed himself, thinking back to the dream. He hesitated by the door, where his partner couldn’t see him, but then though to hell with it and sauntered to his desk, “Working late, Lamb?” He bolstered, loud voice and fake confidence echoing off the walls even though he already knew, “Don’t you have a broad to get home to?” When Sonny plopped down in his chair Sawyer removed his feet from his desk and sighed, shaking his head.

“Not anymore,” His voice scratched, “In fact, I don’t even have an apartment to go back to.”

Sonny suddenly felt very bad about his jab, but worse about the mere thought of someone kicking Sawyer out onto the street.

“What happened?”

“Melanie was running out on me. Nothing new, I guess, but she found a guy that’s much more… Manly than I am,” He spit the word like it was fire, “And she left me high and dry with nowhere to go.” Sonny felt the pain splinter through his heart and he shook his head.

“Sawyer,” He trailed off and then he heard the other man take a soft inhale before averting his eyes, “I’m sorry. That… It sucks. I don’t even know what to say.” He thought about standing and hugging the younger man, but his dream kept echoing in his head and he was afraid that any touch would… Worsen the problem.

“Not your fault,” Sawyer sucked his teeth, “Mine, I guess. Need to bulk up a little bit.” Sonny all but swooned when he watched Sawyer raise his arm, peel off his flannel before flexing. The muscles strained and Sonny could feel his jeans doing to same and it was wrong because they were talking about how his girlfriend kicked him out and Sonny shouldn't have been getting hard during that conversation. In fact, he shouldn’t be getting hard because it was Sawyer Lamb and Sawyer Lamb was a very straight man and a very straight man with a very broken heart. Sonny wiped a hand down his face as Sawyer spoke again, “I don’t know, I need to drink, too. Want to head out after this shift is over?” Sonny had wished the flannel went back on because his eyes were drawn to the wiry arms raised above his head and clasped behind with his hands and he could barely concentrate on an answer.

“Sure,” Sonny agreed, keeping his cool when he really, really needed to get away from Sawyer and the confusion in his head, “I know a good bar just down the road. We can walk to it.” Sonny bit his lip and scooter closer to his desk, legs crossed tightly to try and keep Sawyer from seeing what he was hiding.

The younger detective nodded, lowering his hands to play with a pen in front of him. “There’s nothing much to do here at night,” Sonny continued to speak for some reason, like he wanted to be tortured and Sawyer took his lip between his teeth, making the speaker’s spine jolt with warmth, “Besides paperwork, I guess. Not many cases come through.”

Sawyer nodded and pulled more of his lip into his mouth and Sonny groaned in his head.

The detective was not going to make it easy and Sonny’s mind wasn’t going to make figuring out why the hell he had gotten two boners in one day easy, either. It was a mystery and he wasn’t sure he wanted to know. He didn’t want to admit that he had a crush on his coworker- or even that he was lusting after a coworker.

It’s just unprofessional.

The shift was crawling by slowly and Barba stopped in before he left his office to talk to Sonny. The latter didn’t stand, still paranoid that he would give away that his jeans had once been tighter than then but then Barba shook his hand and went home, Sawyer shooting his partner a suggestive look.

“You and Rafael, Dom?” He grinned, tossing his feet up on his desk as he leaned back, “I never pegged you as the type to date your boss.”

Sonny nearly choked on his water, laughter and fear bubbling in his throat, “What makes you think there’s something between me and Barba?” And he watched as Sawyer shrugged, never breaking eye contact, “What makes you think that I swing that way?” He blushed again because yes, he had been swinging that way more as of late but he blamed it on Sawyer’s lean, muscular body and the attention he paid Sonny.

“You didn’t say that you were straight, so.” Sawyer said lowly, “I mean, maybe you’re not gay but there are plenty of things you could be that aren’t straight. Hell, maybe you’re even aromantic.” Sonny had heard that term before, but he wasn’t really sure what it meant.

“No, no, I mean, I’m bisexual but there’s nothing between me and Barba.” His heartbeat was pounding in his ears because there were so many ways the conversation could have went. His father wasn’t very happy when Sonny came out, but he came around. Sawyer could go either way, really.

“Oh,” The younger said, nodding, “Cool. I never knew that about you.”

Sonny shrugged, “It never came up, I guess. I try not to parade it around in case, you know, I’m on the stand and someone wants some dirt on me. I know it’s nothing to be ashamed of, but the jury doesn’t like bisexual guys. Nobody does, really.” Being bisexual was a real pain in Sonny’s ass because it killed his love life when he came out because people thought that he was going to be unfaithful. Sonny had never been unfaithful and he was planning on never being unfaithful.

His sister told him it was the curse of the bisexuals and he agreed.

“I think that’s bullshit,” Sawyer said, jaw clenching suddenly, “You’re not worse because you’re bisexual, Dominick. You’re worse because you’re from Staten Island.” Sonny knew that the compliment was backhanded with the comment about Staten Island and that he should play along, so he grabbed his closed water bottle and chucked it at Sawyer, laughing.

They went silent, actually turning to their paperwork so they got off of work before midnight, and then Sonny walked next to Sawyer as they shivered, leading him to the bar. It was packed, of course, with college kids and partiers and girls who looked hungrily over the two men as soon as they stepped in the door.

Sawyer was gone in a heartbeat, leaving Sonny to meander to the bar and order something heavily alcoholic. He downed the first shot and Sawyer showed back up with a beer in his hand, gesturing over his shoulder.

“I got us a table. We don’t have to use it, but that suit jacket is looking a little hot.” Maybe Sonny was imagining the way Sawyer’s finger hooked into the collar of the jacket, pulling it away from the skin it rested on. He nodded dumbly and followed the shorter man back to the table, pulling off his jacket and rolling the sleeves of his white dress shirt up. Sonny loosened his tie as Sawyer handed him a beer and he tossed his head back to take a deep pull from the bottle.

“Is it your goal to get drunk or laid tonight?” Sonny asked over the pounding music. His goal was to get drunk, to go home and pass out to avoid getting another unwelcome dream but when Sawyer snorted, he quirked an eyebrow.

“Are you coming onto me, Dominick?” Sawyer managed to lay a hand on Sonny’s bare skin before the older man jerked back and smirked, trying to cover the flush on his face.

“You wish,” He snorted, “I’m gonna go chase some tail.” He turned and disappeared into the crowd, but he knew if Sawyer wished that he would be easy to find. Sonny towered over the rest of the crowd and he ducked his head to try to avoid standing out. Eventually he finished his first. second and third beer and he was working toward a nice buzz with a nice blond in his arms, lips attached to his neck. He turned and saw Sawyer only four people away, a brunette in his arms.

Sonny felt guilt when the man in his arms was swaying to the music, back pressed to his own front, and his eyes were stuck on Sawyer. His coworker was kissing the neck of the girl he was pressed against, looking like he was on top of the world.

Sonny thought it looked too much like his dream and suddenly the man he was grinding against was getting the wrong idea, grasping Sonny’s ass as his other hand pulled him closer by the small of his back and Sonny was panicking, wondering how to get out of the situation but then he was being pulled into the alley way and breathing heavily.  
“Wait,” Sonny gasped, pushing the man off of him, “I don’t- I want to go back inside. My friend’s waiting for me.”

The blond, a man with a hearty scar on his jaw and fire in his brown eyes, smirked, “That skinny fuck? He’s pretty preoccupied with that brunette.” Sonny panicked, even though he was bigger than the man holding him against the wall, he was paralyzed. He worked every day to put away people who insisted, pushed, took things without permission, and he couldn’t move when he was faced with the same thing.

What was wrong with him?

He finally regained his senses and shoved the man back by his shoulders, glaring hard, “I said no, man, back off and let me go back inside.” He passed by his dance partner but then a hand was on his shoulder, throwing him to the ground hard. The air was forced out of Sonny’s lungs and he stared at the sky gasping for breath as a dull ache began to make it’s way around his back.

A weight pressed down on his waist and he struggled weakly against the man, who was grasping his wrists in one hand and his throat in another and he was saying something but there was a blur and then the weight was gone.

Sonny was frozen, if not from the chill of the concrete, from the chill of the total fear soaking into his system. In fact, he wasn’t even aware that time had passed until Sawyer was standing over him, speaking in a rush.

“What the fuck, Dominick?” He yelled harshly, “Are you okay?” Sawyer’s hands grasped Sonny’s shoulders and he hadn’t cried in six years, but the tears pricked at his eyes and his sobbed once, twice, and then he let it all loose, laying in a dirty alley way and Sawyer was there, Sawyer was bleeding and he was comforting Sonny and the weird feeling in the latter’s stomach had to be from the attack and not from the way he was being cradled.


	3. III

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Sonny and Sawyer end up in a cafe.
> 
> Then they end up back at Sawyer's apartment.
> 
> Sonny's internal monologue revolves around the fact that he can't control his penis.

Sawyer dropped down next to Sonny, sighing and rubbing his face. Sonny looked up from his notebook and quirked a brow.

“You okay there, Sawyer?” He smirked, trying not to lean closer to the younger boy. “Is apartment hunting stressing you out?”

“No,” Sawyer looked at him and smiled, “Olivia says I can take all the time I need. And she wants me to get out of the house tonight. Says I spend too much time bent over the files I take home.” And Sonny knew that he left each night with a large stack of files, going through them and pouring over the details. Then his mind wandered to Sawyer bent over something else, like a counter, and his face flushed.

“I’m going out drinking later,” His voice spoke before he could stop himself because he wasn’t going out, but the moment presented itself and he was going to take it, “I know I shouldn’t because of what happened last time, but I’m doing better and I can’t stay holed up in my apartment forever.” Sawyer nodded and ran his arm down Sonny’s forearm, fingers looping around his wrist.

“You want me to come with you to protect you?” The smirk on his face set Sonny at ease and he nodded, chuckling along with his coworker.

“Hell yeah. You took that guy out.” And then Sawyer stood, grabbing Sonny’s notebook to toss it on his desk, “Are we going now?” He was tugged up and led to Olivia’s office, where the younger detective poke his head through.

“Dominick and I are going out, is that okay?” Sonny shivered when Sawyer spoke his given name. He was the only one who didn’t call him Carisi or Sonny and it never failed to throw his nerves into a tizzy. It didn’t help that Sawyer’s fingers were still warm on his wrist and he was thinking about bending the detective over, thinking about the flush that would bloom on his neck, on his face, over his cheekbones.

Sonny must have lost time because then Sawyer was turning around and grinning at him, muttering something under his breath. “Pardon?” Sonny leaned forward to catch what he said, ending up nearly nuzzling the man’s face with his own. “I didn’t catch that.” Sawyer smirked and shook his head.

“We’re not going out for drinks. But we can get some booze or something, if you want.” Sonny nodded dumbly and followed Sawyer out of the precinct, not speaking. He was frozen as Sawyer led him to a cafe across the street, ducking into the warmth and grinning at the barista, “They don’t serve beer here, but I can ask Tammi to go get some.” Sonny shook his head and slid in the booth opposite of Sawyer, who was grinning and waving, but then Sonny had to speak, had to fill the silence because otherwise his mind was going to go back to his dream weeks prior, the way Sawyer looked grinding on that girl before Sonny was attacked. He hadn’t had much problems controlling himself before, not since he was a teenager, so why was he having the trouble controlling himself sitting in a well lit cafe, a handsome man across from him?

He was a mess, that’s why. A complete fucking mess and he loved every moment of it because when he went home, went home and had his hand around himself, there was nothing better than the feeling he got when he was finally finished.

And then he felt the shame, after his high was over, but it didn’t outweigh the ecstasy Sonny felt from his secret, confusing fantasy. He wasn’t even a top, for one, but that seemed to be all he dreamed of. When Sonny was with men he liked to be on bottom, to lose control for once in his life.

He tried to push the thoughts away as Sawyer ordered for the both of them, making sure that Sonny knew that it was good, the best in the burrow. And he just nodded, appreciating the way Sawyer filled the space his tongue was too numb to do so. Apparently the other was aware of Sonny’s dry mouth, because he kept yammering on about a family get together that was coming, how he was going to see two of his brothers and his younger sister again, finally.

The talk prompted Sonny to speak, eyes lighting up with the mention of family, “That sounds fun,” He said, wholeheartedly, “My family get togethers are always wild, you know, because we have like four kids each in the family and Bella’s pregnant and there are so many young ones around. But it’s great. I love it.” He leaned forward, “I usually end up in charge of the kids, but they’re kids, you know? And I can’t turn them down.” He smiled, eyes crinkling as he thought of his cousins and his soon to be niece or nephew.

“I wish we had some little kids around,” Sawyer said wistfully, “My sister is nearly fifteen- which makes me old as shit by the way- and Bailey is fourteen? No, she’s about to turn fourteen. Susanne, my cousin, is seventeen now but she’s a real piece of work so we don’t talk to her much. We haven’t had a little kid around since I was a teenager and it’s weird, but I miss it.” Sonny nodded because he understood. For a long time it was just him and his sisters and his older cousins but then it was like an explosion of babies. They were everywhere, born one right after another and they were all hitting the school mark and Sonny was the one who usually watched them at reunions.

“Do you want children?” Sonny asked suddenly and then he realized that it may have been an inappropriate question, he rescinds it, “I’m sorry, that wasn’t… You don’t have to answer that.” But Sawyer just shook his head.

“I’ve thought about it, but not too much. I’m only twenty eight, you know? I have time. Besides, I had a pretty tough childhood and I don’t want to project that onto my kids.” Sonny nodded, even if he was concerned with what Sawyer had just said.

“I understand that. You’ll find a nice broad to settle down with and get all domestic and pop out a bunch’a lil’ Sawyers for the squad and I to play with.” Sawyer smirked and brightened as their food approached, carried by a waitress who looked skilled in the art of balancing two very full trays. “Damn, Sawyer, how much food did you order?” They both smiled at the waitress and helped her arrange the food, stumbling out hearty thank you’s as she retreated to grab another order from the kitchen.

“This is the minimum you can order here, Dominick,” Sawyer grinned, “They have the best food, ever. And they’re right across from our work, too.” Sonny nodded and picked up his fork, ready to dig into a massive pile of hashbrowns on a plate, sitting right next to the eggs he was presented with.

“Yeah, but what if your stomach explodes?” He joked, “You’re a pretty skinny kid, Sawyer. Where do you put it all.” He watched as Sawyer shoveled a particularly large bite of toast and egg combo in his mouth.

“I put it all in my stomach, man,” He grinned back, “Where else would I put it?” Sonny shrugged and began eating before a hand clamped down on his shoulder, frightening him into inhaling an unchewed chunk of bacon, essentially choking.

“Woah, calm down Carisi,” Dodds laughed behind him, “I just came over to say hi.”

Sonny craned his neck to see Mike Dodds, his sergeant, standing behind him with a rather attractive blonde woman on his arm, “Hello, Sergeant,” He hastily said, “Ma’am,” And he nodded at the woman, who smiled warmly back at him but didn’t say anything.

“Sah dude,” Sawyer said lowly, waving with his glass of water in his hand, “And sah, ma’am,” Mike turned to his girl and muttered something about a meme, probably explaining what Sawyer had said, “Are you out on a date?” And Mike grinned, actually grinned, which made Sonny quirk an eyebrow.

“Actually,” The woman said, speaking for the first time, and then Sonny could see why Dodds had picked her, “We just got back from a date.” Neither man seated in the booth missed the ring on her finger, nor the bedroom eyes they were giving each other.

“Well congratulations,” Sonny said smoothly, eyeballing the ring, “And enjoy the rest of your night.” His sergeant smiled gratefully and nodded.

“And you enjoy yours,” They left the cafe hand in hand, giggling and Sonny turned back to Sawyer and grinned.

“He’s getting laid tonight,” His voice wiggled with suggestion and then Sawyer grinned, leaning forward.

“He deserves it. Speaking of getting laid,” Sawyer said the last part quickly, so fast that Sonny wasn’t even sure that he actually said it, “Do you want to come over for drinks? I have a stash of bourbon my Momma made me take when I turned twenty-one and moved out, so why don’t we burn through that.”

Sonny decided that he imagined Sawyer bring up drinks and getting laid at the same time, and agrees. “I usually drink whiskey, but I’m always ready for a cool glass of bourbon.” Sawyer grinned at him and then waved the waitress over.

“Can we have boxes for all of this? And put it on my tab.” The waitress nodded, smiling fondly as Sonny tried to decipher what the look meant, “Lamb, Sawyer Lamb.” And the boxes came quickly, Sonny shoveling food into them without actually looking at what was being mixed with what. Sawyer seemed to laugh at his eagerness, putting his own food away as well. He lead Sonny from the cafe and hailed a cab, leaving the older man to wonder what he was getting himself into. They settled into the cab, hip to hip, thigh to thigh and it sent electric shocks down Sonny’s leg.

When the cab pulled over, Sonny was shocked to see that they weren’t actually at Sawyer’s building even though the younger detective was climbing from the cab, food in hand. Sonny followed, looking puzzled as the cab driver didn’t get paid, but he followed Sawyer down the street and around a corner, into an alley.

“Hey,” He finally called, “Where are we going?”

Sawyer looked over his shoulder to find Sonny following him, a puzzled look on his face, “I always give my left-overs to a family that lives down this alley. You don’t have to if you don’t want to, but I do. They’ve got four kids and live in their car.” Sonny felt warmth bubble in his chest and he let a smile fall onto his face.

“They deserve it,” He said, “They’ll eat well tonight.”

\---

He’s on his fourth glass of bourbon and he can feel the room spinning around him. Sawyer is next to him, asleep and leaning over onto his shoulder and Sonny can feel the heat of the man’s cheek on his shoulder, the heartbeat like they’re pressed chest to chest. He finished off the rest of his bourbon and tried to focus his bleary eyes on the television but it wa so hard.

And that wasn’t the only thing that was hard.

Sonny was painfully so.

Maybe it was the alcohol or the warm body pressed against him but he was hard and embarrassed and he hoped and prayed that Sawyer didn’t wake up and see him. He prayed that Sawyer didn’t wake up and reject him, didn’t wake up and call him disgusting.

But Sawyer had accepted his sexuality, the fact that he went out on dates with guys and girls. He had taken it with a grain of salt, barely blinking, and then he leaned over into Sonny’s space after a few glasses of alcohol, pushed his body closer to the older man, put his hand on Sonny’s thighs and Sonny was a mess, a huge mess, but that didn’t matter because Sawyer passed out ten minutes after that and Sonny just had to worry about whether or not the detective would wake up and see him painfully hard.

Sonny groaned and Sawyer shifted and Sonny just wanted to know why the man on his shoulder incited so many boners because, damn, he hadn’t that many in years. So many years and he forgot what it felt like not to be satisfied after a hand grasping at himself, after thoughts racing through his mind that he didn’t understand.

And Sonny didn’t.

He didn’t understand a damn thing.


End file.
